


i wanted it and i wanted it (i love you)

by stvrmxra



Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coming Out, Confessions, Friends to Lovers, I forgot the angst tag??, I keep forgetting tags, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, but it also switches to seungjun, but they’ve always been in love??, hyojin-centric, onf kings, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-19 07:55:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29871534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stvrmxra/pseuds/stvrmxra
Summary: Hyojin knows what Seungjun screams to him in his silence, but he can’t acknowledge it. He can’t, because he can’t accept that there’s something between them; something that Hyojin knows he shouldn’t be feeling, isn’t positive he’s okay with feeling, is absolutely terrified of feeling.Almost fourteen years of friendship and Hyojin can still read his every thought without a word, even when he doesn’t want to. Even when the thoughts are exactly what he’s trying to combat within his own mind.“What’s wrong, Jinnie?”
Relationships: Kim Hyojin/Lee Seungjun | J-Us
Comments: 4
Kudos: 47





	i wanted it and i wanted it (i love you)

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! I decided to write a vent fic a little bit ago and had this idea, and decided to use onf bc onf needs more fics. comment if you liked it or with any feedback!!
> 
> title is from “I Think It’s Love” by taemin (bc I AM in love with him <3) 
> 
> enjoy!

Hyojin’s exhausted.

His legs burn, his lungs struggling to find air in his chest as he dances, but he continues on. It’s currently some late hour in the morning, and instead of laying in his bed asleep, Hyojin is dancing alone in the studio. He does this sometimes when he needs to clear his head and it usually does wonders; but tonight, the burning of his heart overwhelms the burning of his body. 

Hyojin can’t focus on the moves his own being is making. For weeks, even when he’s tried to be attentive, all he can do is space out. It’s infuriating, especially when he sees the looks of concern on the faces of his members. On _his_ face. That’s the worst part of it all.

Snapping out of it isn’t as easy as he thought it would be. The first few days he just let it slide, calling himself dramatic and then moving his mind elsewhere by throwing himself into another activity. Then preoccupying his mind stopped working and suddenly he was trapped, alone with his pressing thoughts that wouldn’t let him rest. Being forced to think about things didn’t make solutions appear any faster. 

Hyojin barely registers the music shutting off abruptly, his dance faltering when the quiet echoes in his ears. By the way his shoulders tense and his skin erupts with goosebumps, Hyojin knows who it is before they say a word. 

“There you are,” a sweet voice, a new binding trance induced. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

When he thinks about it, Hyojin doesn’t know when everything started to change. When his thoughts started to drift from the ones he knew to the ones he didn’t, a never ending battle when neither side knows the reason they’re fighting in the first place. 

“Hey, Junie.”

His life has been full of momentous changes, but none of them are factors in his present mental downfall. Currently, Hyojin is referring to every moment that led to Seungjun standing in front of him, dim studio lights casting shadows cut by his sharp features, with a look on his face that Hyojin wants to pretend he can’t decipher. One he wants to pretend he doesn’t know the hidden meaning behind. 

But he does. Hyojin knows what Seungjun screams to him in his silence, but he can’t acknowledge it. He can’t, because he can’t accept that there’s something between them; something that Hyojin knows he shouldn’t be feeling, isn’t positive he’s okay with feeling, is absolutely terrified of feeling. 

Almost fourteen years of friendship and Hyojin can still read his every thought without a word, even when he doesn’t want to. Even when the thoughts are exactly what he’s trying to combat within his own mind. 

“What’s wrong, Jinnie?” Seungjun asks, standing a comfortable distance away. His look is one of simple concern, but to Hyojin and his trained eyes, he can see the feeling that drives the worry into a different territory like a physical haze.

“What do you mean?” Hyojin replies, barely able to keep his voice steady over the waves of his tumbling thoughts.

Seungjun sighs softly, and the sound gives Hyojin chills that he chooses to ignore. “It’s one in the morning, and you’re here dancing,” he says. “You’re going to tire yourself out when you know how busy our schedule is tomorrow.” 

Hyojin closes his eyes, dropping his head and putting his hands on his hips just to have something to do with them. His chest rises and falls shallowly, still somewhat out of breath from dancing—and maybe the presence of the one who makes his heart race involuntarily, too. 

Seungjun is completely right to assume something’s wrong—something _is_ wrong—but Hyojin can’t tell him that. How is he supposed to tell his oldest friend, his best friend, that the feelings he feels for him are more than just that of a friend? That he doesn’t even want to be feeling them, that he desperately wants them to go away? 

“I’m worried about you, Jin.”

Dread creeps up behind Hyojin like a shadow, crawling up his spine and making it hard to think. “Why?” he asks, the words sounding to him like they were said underwater. 

“You’ve been acting...strange, lately.” Hyojin knows Seungjun takes a step closer even before he hears the floor creak, and he hates the way he has to cement his feet to the hardwood in order not to take a step back. Hyojin’s hair shields his face, and he can see the toes of Seungjun’s shoes when he looks up through his bangs. “Are you doing okay?”

What’s the answer to that? Hyojin isn’t sure if he could even collect his thoughts for long enough to make up an answer, much less tell Seungjun the truth; like how Hyojin has been avoiding him for days in an attempt to ignore his heart, which burns even with what little distance he can find in their busy schedule. That he’s the most confused and the most scared he’s ever been, and he doesn’t completely understand why. 

The truth is that maybe Hyojin isn’t who he thought he was, and he has no idea who he is anymore. 

“I’m fine, Jun,” Hyojin says, looking up. Concern lines the edges of Seungjun’s face, and Hyojin wants it to go away before he inevitably opens up about the one thing he shouldn’t. “You don’t have to worry about me—” a reassuring smile, hands fall from his hips—“I promise.”

Seungjun’s face doesn’t change, only his eyes grow more intense. “You know you don’t have to lie to me,” he says, the mix of skepticism and concern in his voice deadly. Hyojin chooses the wrong reply. 

“I’m not lying.”

A sigh fills the silence. “Hyojin, I’ve known you for a very long time. I know when you’re keeping something from me.” Seungjun runs a defeated hand through his hair, turning his face to the mirror next to them. He looks tired. “I just thought you’d have trusted me enough to tell me by now.”

Hyojin can’t think of anything, can't say anything; all he can do is look at his feet. Here’s Seungjun, someone he loves deeply—in more ways than one—that’s trying to be there for him, and all he can do is attempt to lie about his feelings. Hyojin doesn’t understand himself, doesn’t understand why he can’t just confide in his best friend. It’s not as bad as he’s making it out to be, right? 

He’s not a bad person.

_Right?_

“I’m heading back to the dorms,” Seungjun says quietly, dejectedly. “Please don’t be here too late, Hyo.”

Seungjun is turning around, walking to the door, leaving Hyojin behind. Hyojin wants to call out, wants to step forward and chase him down, wants to kiss him until he can’t breathe, and he hates that he won’t. He hates that he _can’t_ , because he’s too scared of what it’ll mean if he does. 

_You’re so stupid_ , his mind snarls, deafening in its silence. _You know he’s in love with you, but you’re still too disgusted with yourself to accept it. You hate yourself, and maybe it’s for good reason, too._

Hyojin clenches his fist, nails digging into his palm. In some sickening way, his mind is right. He can’t keep running. He can’t learn to accept himself if he won’t face what scares him the most. It’s cruel to avoid the feelings within his own body, it’s impossible to forget them, so why is he still trying to? 

“I’m tired,” Hyojin whispers, his voice breaking like the most fragile porcelain figure. His heartbeat is all he can hear over the stillness ringing in his ears. Seungjun halts. 

“Then let’s just go back to the _dorm-_ ” 

Louder, Hyojin admits, “I’m tired of running.”

He stops, and he turns. Hyojin stares at him, hands visibly shaking at his sides, his face now open where it had been shut down before. There’s something in his eyes that Seungjun can see even from their distance away, and a wave of cold rolls down his back at the amount of emotions radiating from his best friend. 

“Running from what?” he asks, softer.

Hyojin drops his shoulders from their tense position, standing like a child facing their mother after doing something bad. His eyes turn downcast, his hands like lead at his sides. 

“Myself,” he murmurs faintly, but the sound travels straight to Seungjun anyway. “My fears, my emotions, my responsibilities.” A pause, a sniff. “My feelings.”

The weight of the last word wrings the air out of Seungjun, and he suddenly feels really, really hot. Hyojin’s body is shaky, like he’s been deprived of an addictive drug for too long, and he can sense the little strength that’s keeping him on his feet fading. But he’s gone too far to back out now; he has to finally allow himself to open up. 

“I...I’m…” Hyojin starts, but he physically can’t get the words out. He’s never said them aloud, and saying them would solidify it. Saying them would make it real, and his subconscious is trying to save himself from having to accept the truth.

His skin is burning, but he’s so cold. His body is trembling with the amount of force it takes to try and keep the words in. His hair is sweaty between his fingers, he sees swirls of stars when he squeezes his eyes closed. 

“Hyojin?”

In the most dramatic fashion, his strength gives out. Hyojin falls to his knees, his head being crushed between his hands.

In seconds, there’s a hand on his cheek and Hyojin looks up dazedly, surprised to see that Seungjun is already there. Apprehension clouds his features, and he looks almost as if he can see the battle being fought within Hyojin’s head. Hyojin doesn’t know if he should be grateful or terrified. 

He can’t tell if the sound he makes is Seungjun’s name or just a whimper, but he’s being crushed in a hug and a few of the pieces click into place. 

Hyojin’s arms lift weakly around Seungjun’s waist to his back, clutching him close. He buries his face in Seungjun’s shoulder, grabbing fistfuls of Seungjun’s shirt to try and ground himself. It’s merciless, how Hyojin can feel Seungjun’s love for him in the way that he holds him, whispers his name sweetly, brushes a steady hand through his messy hair. 

A moment passes, and Hyojin finds his breath again. Swallowing, Hyojin lifts his chin to rest on Seungjun’s shoulder, his body trembling within the safe confines of Seungjun’s arms. His eyes fall closed. 

A tear slips down his cheek, and for a few seconds, his mind is clear. 

“I’m gay, Seungjun,” he says, voice choked and broken, but a few more pieces are added to the picture. 

When he cries, Seungjun holds him. There’s no hesitation or rejection in the way he runs his fingers through Hyojin’s hair or the way he pulls him closer, slotting their knees together. He’s a strong presence, stronger than Hyojin will ever be, and he reassures Hyojin without words that he’s been accepted. He’s only ever been perfect in Seungjun’s eyes, and to change that would be to change the direction the world spins. 

Seungjun squeezes his eyes shut, the sound of Hyojin’s sobs clawing at his heart. He knows how overwhelming it is to keep a part of oneself hidden for so long that it becomes an immense burden, especially when it’s something that can be impossible to accept. Having known Hyojin for as long as he has, Seungjun now understands why he’s been distancing himself from the group, and even from him. 

Seungjun has met Hyojin’s parents many times, and he’s seen how immovable they are regarding their single-minded beliefs. He’s even heard some of the comments muttered and overlooked, seen the things they told their son not to do or watch, so he should have known what kind of effect that would have on Hyojin. Of course Seungjun had thought about it before, but he had quickly let it go; who was he to assume that his best friend would ever like guys the same way he did, ever love him the same way he did? It wouldn’t affect him. 

Growing up in a bigoted household is enough to infect someone, but growing up an outlier in a traditional culture, in a standardized country, is enough to destroy anyone who stands outside the box. 

He just hopes it hasn’t completely destroyed Hyojin. 

“Oh, Jinnie,” Seungjun whispers sweetly, feeling the minute way Hyojin stiffens at the close proximity of his words. “It’s okay, Jin. It’s okay. I’m so proud of you.” 

Seungjun’s fingers running through his hair seems to calm Hyojin down, so he continues even when his cries and breathing slow. Hyojin turns his face into Seungjun’s collarbone and exhales, brushing his nose against the pale skin of his neck, and Seungjun swallows back the way it makes him feel. The way his heart burns and sends a tingling feeling throughout every vein in his body. 

“You’re not alone, Hyojin,” Seungjun whispers, and he feels the older relax further into him. Hyojin sniffs. 

“I know,” he replies, and it sounds like he’s drowning. 

Hyojin does know. He knows that he’s not alone, because he and Seungjun are the same; they’re both in love with each other. Hyojin knew this even before he overheard Seungjun’s conversation on the phone a few weeks ago, even before he started to notice the longer glances and the softer, fonder smiles. He knew he was in love with his best friend, but he couldn’t find the courage to recognize it for what it was. 

He’s been running for weeks, probably even years, and Hyojin is finally turning to face his unrelenting pursuer. 

“There’s something else,” he whispers, voice low and a bit hoarse. Hyojin’s grip loosens on Seungjun’s shirt, and he inhales deeply before pulling back. 

His vision is still clouded with tears and he can only imagine how disheveled he looks, but Hyojin doesn’t care. He’s taking in the appearance of Seungjun, who looks every bit as dismantled as he does. Even with his watery eyesight, he can see the way Seungjun’s eyes are glassy and sparkle with unshed tears; crying for a trouble that isn’t his, staying strong for a friend in pain. 

Hyojin’s heart is on fire, and he leans an inch closer to the gasoline. 

“What is it, Hyo?” Seungjun asks, voice open and gentle, not at all conveying the affliction in his eyes, and Hyojin falls impossibly harder. 

“I’m in love with you, Seungjun.” 

All his greatest fears are spilled out in just a few syllables, and yet, it’s one of the easiest things he’s ever had to say. Even so, his breath refuses to leave his lungs and his skin tingles with anxiety, his palms sweaty where they rest on Seungjun’s waist. He exhales carefully into the thick silence. 

Seungjun’s lips part, his eyes widening before they change; they turn darker, sharper, almost disbelieving. He searches through Hyojin’s expression for any trace of humor, any trace of dishonesty, as if he’d be met with anything other than genuine feelings, and Hyojin’s eyes sting. 

Hyojin watches Seungjun’s lips separate and reconnect, like he’s trying to find a proper reply that just won’t come. They stop when he realizes that Hyojin’s staring, and if it wasn’t before, the air is definitely charged now.

Seungjun swallows. “Please, Hyojin, can I-”

Only Hyojin gets to it first, swiftly leaning in and finally connecting their lips. 

The last piece of the puzzle falls into place, forming a portrait depicting a love that's finally being recognized, after years and years of searching for all the missing pieces. 

The kiss is gentle and hesitant, although stiff. Hyojin doesn’t want to breathe or move an inch, with the fear that Seungjun will come back to himself and push Hyojin away. This is completely uncharted territory within their relationship, the new feeling both exhilarating and terrifying, and Hyojin doesn’t want to stomp it out before it can fully bloom. 

A few seconds pass, then he pulls away. Hyojin’s cheeks are on fire, and he waits a drawn out moment before he flicks his eyes up, keeping himself still when he’s immediately met with the vivid gaze of Seungjun. 

Their eyes connect, sparks explode around them, and then they’re colliding again with more ardor and fervor than before. 

Seungjun’s hands slide from Hyojin’s shoulders to his jaw, immediately pulling him closer. Hyojin’s mind blanks; there’s only the soft, yet ardent lips on his, and the gentle, yet greedy hands on his cheeks, caressing his face as if to make sure he’s really there. 

Hyojin’s kissed girls before, but kissing a guy is different. Kissing _Seungjun_ is different. Before, it hadn’t felt like his body wasn’t his, like his hands and mouth were separate from himself. Like his blood was searing through his bones and making his skin heat, like his heart was about to beat straight out of his chest.

Tilting his head the slightest bit, Hyojin allows their kiss to deepen further. It doesn’t scare him as he thought it would, kissing his best friend; what scares him is that he wants more, that parting would feel like his skin being ripped off. Their lips separate and reconnect, and Hyojin can’t get enough. 

Seungjun finds himself pulling Hyojin even closer, as if the other would suddenly pull away and realize that he made a mistake. Seungjun pulls because he’d never imagined he'd have this, have Hyojin so close and to get to show him without words how much he loves him.

He sighs when Hyojin brushes a hand through his hair, the sound loud in the quiet studio. Seungjun’s skin is feverishly hot, and suddenly it sets in that _he_ is _kissing Hyojin._ He’s kissing his first love, his best friend, and it’s terrifying. In seconds he becomes so overwhelmed that he’s pulling away. 

Seungjun rests his forehead on Hyojin’s, their breathing filling the silence around them, and his eyelids crack open. There are tears welling in his eyes, more than from before the kiss, and he wishes they weren’t there. This isn’t about him, this is about Hyojin accepting himself and being able to uncage his feelings, so why does Seungjun feel like he’s drowning? 

“I’m sorry,” Seungjun whispers, and it sounds absolutely wrecked. He won’t look up, but Hyojin can see that his eyes are glazed with tears, and his racing heart pangs. 

Slowly Seungjun’s gaze travels upward, and when their eyes connect, Hyojin’s vision turns fuzzy at the edges. His lips are parted and rose pink, and Hyojin pulls him in to press their lips together once, then twice, then he pulls back as far as he willingly can. 

A tear slides down Seungjun’s cheek, and Hyojin wipes it away delicately with his thumb. Hyojin can see in his eyes that it hasn’t set in yet, that Seungjun can’t comprehend that his previously unrequited feelings are returned, and it hurts Hyojin to know that he was the cause of so much heartache. 

Every second he spent worrying, considering his sexuality and his feelings, is a second he could have spent showing Seungjun his love. Showing Seungjun that it’s always been him. 

He’s such an idiot. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner.”

Seungjun’s eyes hold so much emotion as he tilts his head down, just barely looking up at Hyojin through his wet eyelashes. His eyes are hooded, only focused on Hyojin as his fingers slide from his cheek into soft, unruly hair. 

“Don’t apologize to me.”

Hyojin bites the inside of his cheek, the leftover sadness he didn’t yet release now sliding gently down his cheeks. Pushing the last of his thoughts to the back of his mind, he closes his eyes and pulls Seungjun into a hug that forces out whatever air he has left. It’s uncomfortable, their knees aching under them and tears dripping onto their shirts, but they hold each other tightly like they never have before. 

It’s been a nonstop race for years, trying to outrun fate. For the both of them, it’s impossible to consider that they’re finally at the end of the track, the never ending loop of denial and fear over as they cross the finish line. 

Without the weights holding them back, it’s easy to walk away together.

“I love you so much, Hyojin,” Seungjun murmurs, voice unrestrained. 

They step off the track, legs burning and minds worn out, hand in hand. 

“I love you, too.”


End file.
